[offshoot]

2004-06-20T11:27:00.000Z

My iPod Thinks It's Jesus

This is a rough approximation of what my iPod looks like:

Except a bit more modern, and never laid out artistically.

Here is a rough approximation of what my iPod thinks it looks like:

Hmm. My iPod recently decided that I had very bad taste in music and took offence to Kenickie, Ash and Vauxhall and I by Morrissey being uploaded onto it. Clearly the mid-nineties indieness of it all was too much to take. For three days, it refused to acknowledge that there was any Kenickie, Ash or Vauxhall and I on it (yet worse Morrissey albums were apparently allowed on). Then on the third day it rose again from its charger and decided that the music was on there after all.

So yesterday there were many strange looks from strangers as the sheer excitement of In Your Car, Girl from Mars and Now My Heart is Full all appearing in the palm-sized player led to much dancing to and from the bus stop.

I am dead normal, like.

2004-04-12T12:59:00.000Z

Offshoot says: Thank you, Record Shack Records

Cast your minds back to 1995, if you will. A young and impressionable Offshoot is the tender age of 11, turning to 12 at one point. Among all this, the OFFICIAL WORST YET BEST BAND EVER turn up, get their own words wrong on shows like Fully Booked before it was even presented by Lauren Off Neighbours, and have three singles - the rubbish Caught Up in my Heart, the faintly groovy but mostly rubbish Nothin' But Love (with a Motown spirit that took it all the way to number 38), and the completely brilliant, massively unrubbish Best Thing in the World.

This band are Optimystic and the image above is the only internet testament to their existence. Although they follow the crap-band tradition of spelling a word wrong and thinking it looks cool (Hear'Say, 2wenty4Se7en, Mis-Teeq etc), theirs is actually super-intellectual, on account of their outlook on their successful musical careers, and how bewildering it is that they should be so.

After flopping three times over with their singles, and after the Smash Hits Alphabet made sure O was for "Optimystic... Have the been dropped yet?" (cruel, too cruel, Mark Sutherland), they disappeared to work in Tesco and things. It was a sad day for crap pop.

UNTIL last year, when Offshoot somehow managed to come across a copy of their delightfully rubbish album. Evidently not everyone lost faith in them, and Record Shack Records (repetition in the company name - we like) all the way from 48th Street, Miami managed to cobble together three photos, some production credits and a bright pink CD to wow the world. Well, at least to way a couple of people who passed 48th Street, Miami. And us.

If you remember Optimystic and want to hear songs like The Drifter, Love's Gone Mad and We Are Optimystic, then drop us a line, or head on down to the Record Shack yourself.

2004-03-27T14:18:00.000Z

Save the Escargot Cafe!

Above is an artist's impression of Hula going about an average day in her life. Don't worry, she and Rachel's head are not to scale. Clever people with internet connections will have already realised that we are talking about this very ace site here, which she writes, and has currently put it under threat of closure.

Here at Offshoot we are very upset. Hula's blog rules. It is miles better than this one, anyway, or this one, which we made one afternoon and then completely forgot about. Basically, The Escargot Cafe is one of the bestest sites in the world, and we don't want it to close. Her LiveJournal is simply not enough.

If you understand what we're harping on about, bombard Hula with emails and comments and stuff. or this comment box here, so we feel popular. her musings on Will and Maroon 5 and Harry Potter must never cease! Never!

2004-03-26T10:55:00.000Z

Madonna in 'Really Quite Popular' Shocker

Well, would you look at that. Some woman who has sold some albums and some singles and likes to kiss people half her age (of either sex) has decided to stand and sing in the middle of Earl's Court, and people want to go and see it! How queer.

But when we take into account that a) this woman is Madonna, b) this woman is Madonna and c) This woman recorded 'Take a Bow', which has some of the best backing vocals ever on it, it's not much of a surprise.

So why are you all whingeing that you can't get hold of her tickets? Stop this behaviour now. Of course you bloody can't. She's famous.

Madonna says: '£150 a ticket? Ooh, I can afford more jewellery and a better wig!'

In other news, when we tried to get some, we accidentally ended up with 2 order confirmation e-mails coming through, with different order confirmation codes. Does this mean we've got even more tickets than we originally intended?

2004-03-17T10:30:00.000Z

It's Award Season...

Hi kids, it's me, Sandy Toksvig! You might know me from shows such as Call My Bluff and the pop hit Toksvig - you know, "I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're Toksvig?" Anyway, I'm here to talk in a slightly scary voice and award The Annual Sandy Toksvig Awards For Excellent Achievements in the Field of Excellency 2004. These awards will go to the most excellent people who have achieved excellent things over the past year. Now on with the awards...

Award for Biggest Being a Flop Despite Being Ace

This little awarderoo was going to go to the lovely Siobhan Donaghy. Sadly I'm not sure how to pronounce her name, so instead I'm going to put it on my mantelpiece along with all my ceramic pots and lesbian photographs to honour her memory. Sorry Shuv...See-ob... oh whatever.

Award for Worst Album Cover Ever

Now, now, Britney - you might namecheck me in your number one hit 'Toksvig', but it hasn't made people buy your album, has it? No. Does this have anything to do with the fact that your album cover looks like you're submerged in a dolphin tank under an ailing UV light? I think so! To make up for your flopperoo album, here's an award to tide you over.

Award for Song That Is Ace Despite Not Being Allowed To Be

Look! It's Enrique Iglesias! He's all about the music. Now if you can get yourself around that abdomen (and I certainly can, being a lesbian) then you'll realise that this award goes to the man he-self for his single 'Not in Love'. Now everyone knows that Enrique is a load of old poo-poo, but this song is rather marvellous. Liking an Ingerglesiast song rather makes me want to nip down to the old shopperoo and buy some painkillers and a bottle of Glen's! Maybe the presence of the mighty Cheese Please Keliz makes up for it!

The Jamie Lee Curtis Memorial Award for Best Little Actress Lady

Now as you'll all know, I love the ladies! (I am a lesbian after all.) But most of all I love The Mighty Lindsay Lohan who will be projected onto big screeneroos all over the country when her film 'I Was a Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen's Dangerous Mind' (or something, I haven't got me specceroos on and I can't read the award envelope properly!) becomes an international global superhit. And she does some singings on the album! Now if there's only one thing I love more than a tweenie actress doing singings, it's a lesbian.

Here's Lindsay accepting her awarderoo from Jamie Lee...

Why, that scene-stealing witch! And she's taken Lindsay's guitar! I'd chase her out of here, except she's got short hair which reminds me of lesbians, so I won't. Eroo.

Sadly those are all the awards that Sandy has time for... but be sure to check back for when we next let her out of the Lesbian Cage-eroo to present some more strangely-named awards in her own inimitable style.

2004-03-14T12:58:00.000Z

Phixx It!

Peter: Oh fuck, our career's gone to shit.
Andrew: Shut up and look more gay.

Quelle suprise, the charts suck again. As the Cha Cha Slide shimmies its way to the number one spot and sane people everywhere scream "take it back now, y'all" to those who bought the fucking single, the fantastically pointless Phixx find themselves languishing outside of the Top 10. Who is going to pay for the baby oil and arse waxing now, eh?

This shouldn't happen. Phixx are mighty for a variety of reasons. Firstly, because if they succeeded it would prove that marketing is everything. These are the people deemed Not Good Enough for One True Voice by the general public. Were they to succeed, it would be concrete that talent gets you nowhere, and it's all about miming badly to something you didn't have (much of) a hand in writing. This is what pop music should be - everyone "kept it real" in the 90s and all it got us was a bunch of skinny kids wrapping themselves in post-ironic Union Jacks. Who wants to go through that again?

Secondly, they are very desperate and very rubbish, and not afraid to do absolutely anything for the sake of publicity. Love Revolution is, quite simply, total bollocks. It has almost no tune, a chorus that tries to fit far too many long words into a short space, and sounds like it was produced by Bon Jovi after a heavy night of sex with Duran Duran. But the music doesn't matter - just get blood, neon and nudity into your video and you're away.

Mike says: My parents are proud of me.

So if everyone buys Heat magazine because of wannabe slebs looking shit and trying to get more success, they should support Phixx by proxy. And if people want to buy crap singles - and the appearance of the Cha Cha Slide at the summit would suggest they do - you couldn't get crapper than this. So fucking buy it, you twunts.

Nikk from Phixx - likes words to be spelt wrong with double letters at the end

2004-02-25T00:28:00.000Z

Oh for fuck's sake

We really, really, really can't be bothered to do our work. If anyone fancies entirely rewriting the next 2,500 words of our "personal writing project" (read: dissertation meets short story and has children which it immediately gives up for adoption to Warwick University, who readily accept and inflict upon hapless students), we'd be really grateful. In fact we'd be willing to trade your services for:

Some comedy lollipops! You'll laugh audibly at them.

Michelle from Pop Idol's missing tooth, and...

Natasha Bedingfield, whose infinitely forgettable debut single has already been forgotten about despite not being released yet.

Volunteers can apply in the comment box below, please.

2004-02-13T21:21:00.000Z

I Left my Heart in ~~San Francisco~~ the Oxford Zodiac

Les Soeurs Scissor. Not at the Oxford Zodiac.

A few weeks ago, we made an impassioned plea to get Comfortably Numb by Scissor Sisters to number one. We failed. Then their album came out. It rocked. Then we went to see them live at the Oxford Zodiac, and they rocked beyond rockiness. Here's our thoughts on the evening:

- Magnifique and Forever are rather amazing and will hopefully exist as B-Sides/future singles.
- Ana Matronic claims to have eaten one of Westlife. If it was the fat one, she could at least have shared.
- When Babydaddy is particularly enjoying a song, he pouts like a hamster with his front teeth on display.
- Jake Shears has excellent boots, eyes and pubic hair.

Offshoot loves the sisters, but hopes they don't become too famous. Because then they'll stop socialising after gigs, in case they get abducted or assassinated or something, and they won't dance with us to the Dandy Warhols and give us hugs. Which is what they did! (Well, Jake did. He's the best one, like Lion-O out of the Thundercats, but buffer and with better hair.)

Two of Les Soeurs Scissor again. Still not at the Oxford Zodiac.

Seriously, apart from Atomic Kitten doing a real live cat-in-the-microwave thing and exploding, they are the only exciting thing in pop at the moment.

2004-01-31T20:29:00.000Z

Oh no! Now we will all have to shop at cheaper stores

Sanity Stores - as boring as this guy

Sad news reaches us that Sanity - you know, the red and black one up the high street that sold CDs and videos for twice as much as everywhere else - is going the same way as C&A and... other shops that closed down. This doesn't surprise us. We could have predicted that Sanity would close many, many moons ago - before Virgin decided to start them up, in fact - and not just because the prices were extortionate.

Other forms of sanity - never encouraging.

No, Sanity has closed mainly because it has a crap name. Who really wants to be seen walking around town with a bag saying "Sanity" on it? Especially one as tragic is theirs, with the upside down "i" that thinks it's subverting the word it's in? Nobody, that's who. I mean, would you buy your books from a place called Logic? Tampons from a shop called Reasonableness? No, you would not.

Farewell, San"!"ty. Please go back to being Virgin Music and overstocking on the Spice Girls CDs.

2004-01-25T13:09:00.000Z

Yes, I Nicked This Off LiveJournal...

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::	Pet Shop Boys
Are you female or male::	Jack the lad
Describe yourself::	Do I have to?
How do some people feel about you::	How can you expect to be taken seriously?
How do you feel about yourself::	Some speculation
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::	Can you forgive her?
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::	Single
Describe where you want to be::	New York City boy
Describe what you want to be::	Shameless
Describe how you live::	Home and dry
Describe how you love::	You only tell me you love me when you're drunk
Share a few words of wisdom::	I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing

Bands // Song Titles brought to you by BZOINK!

2004-01-21T23:56:00.000Z

And what have you been up to?

I, personally, have been down to my local branch of All Good Record Stores and purchased the rather marvellous Comfortably Numb by Scissor Sisters. That's right, Comfortably Numb by Scissor Sisters! Much as we are itching to say "they don't make pop like this anymore" we can't, because obviously they do or it wouldn't be here with a tip-top-tastic cover containing a nipple. That's right kids, a nipple!

However, terrible news has reached us. The song is only due to go into the charts at number 9. That's right, number 9! Now, obviously something as mighty as this needs to outsell something as unmighty (and three weeks old - well past its sell-by-date) as All This Time. So bloody well make it do so!

Oh, and if you want to know what the song's actually like...then buy it, because the radio mix is cack, and "you can't see tits on the radio" like you can on the cover of the single. We'll tell you this much, though: it's got a guitar line that goes dugger-dugger-dugger. I haven't had a good dugger-dugger-dugger since before you were born...

UPDATE 25/01: Cat Deeley says it's at number 10 now. Damn her and damn all of you!

2004-01-17T04:10:00.000Z

Bigger, Ravinger, Much More Legendy

Over at The Love Pavilion they have just made a teensy little post about the forgotten classic that is 'This Is How We Party' by the much underrated S.O.A.P.

S.O.A.P. were complete legends. In the UK they released one absolute classic, 'This Is How We Party', which only one person in the whole of England liked and bought (that's Offshoot). This song had many ace moments, ranked on the Offshoot scale from 1 to 5, where 1 = quality and 5 = qualitest.

- The bit in the lyrics where they rhyme "body" with "body". Better that "coffee" and "cafe", girls! Quality ranking: 1
- The fact that the song's clearly about orgies. Come on, there's only a certain type of party where your body's guaranteed to get fooled with! Quality ranking: 2
- The moment in the video where they say goodbye to their parents in dressing-gowns, then tear them off to reveal party dresses. You go girls! Quality ranking: 3
- Not to mention the very professional hairdos they appear to be "going to bed" wearing! Quality ranking: 4
- The rapping! It's where Madonna got all her inspiration. Quality ranking: 5
- The fact that they didn't know what S.O.A.P actually stood for. Quality ranking: off the scale

S.O.A.P Sista 1: "We were so cool! Hur hur hur!"
S.O.A.P Sista 2: "Oh God! I know! Ahahahaha!"

It was rumoured, before they flopped massively, that they were going to hold a competition for their fans to enter what they though S.O.A.P stood for, and the best answer would win a prize. But did it stand for Sod Off, Awful Pop? Sad Old Angry People? Stupid Old Age Pensioners? We were never actually told. It is Offshoot's suspicion, however, that the high cheese factor means it stands for Straight Off A Pizza. Geddit? Cheese! Pizza! God, we're funny.

Seriously, if you do know, use the comment box below to enrich everyone's life with this valuable information.

2004-01-11T18:19:00.000Z

Big Raving Legend

This is a photograph of Louise Bezzina, a young woman/girl from Godknowswhere who has decided that the best way for her to make money is to capitalise on her astounding likeness to Kelly Osbourne. Covering your face in flour and then sulking in a fright wig does not instantly make you physically identical to the Osbourne child (even if it does get you one step closer to her general behaviour), so if you want to look like anyone at all, why oh why Kelly?

Even if we don't understand, Offshoot supports you in every way.

Order your own lookalike - or laugh at how much the Jennifer Saunders one doesn't look like her - at The Spitting Images Celebrity Lookalike Website.

2004-01-08T16:20:00.000Z

Love All

Deuce, L-R: Deuce.

Back in 1995, the charts were almost as shit as they are today. Their saving grace happened to be the four wee tots pictured above, who arrived in pre-packaged, pre-Steps form as "kitschy", "Deucy" and generally quite Spandexy. However, because the charts were shit, they got dropped and replaced by H & Claire & The Other Three, who were somehow popular despite not releasing I Need You or performing on All Old Top of the Pops in wedding dresses (both of which Deuce managed).

The real nail in the coffin actually came during an interview with Smash Hits/Top of the Pops/Fast Forward etc when lead singer Kelly dared to suggest that her band had a short shelf life. "None of us are pretending that Deuce will be around in ten years' time," she trilled. Enraged at the suggestion that a band who wore nothing but fruit for one photoshoot might have limited appeal, teenage girls everywhere didn't go out and buy their debut album On the Loose! and Kelly was proved right. It was a sad day for pop.

But where are they now? After absolutely no in-depth research whatsoever, Offshoot is pleased to announce that:

Kelly now works in a video shop, and despite having excellent tits and a man's voice (the only two criteria for real divadom) she has not become a big star.
Craig is now an actor who's been in stuff on telly. He has a middle name, and a surname.
Lisa was only really in the band because she was Kelly's friend and had brown hair to be "girlPaul" to Craig's "boyKelly". She is now boffing Ant or Dec out of Ant and Dec.
Paul is, reliable sources tell us, an actual real-life homo, so those spangly, midriff-baring tops they had to wear should finally be of some use.

So there we have it. Kelly, if you're reading this on your break at the video shop, please do a reunion gig soon.

2004-01-05T16:17:00.000Z

The Greater British Song Contest

Apparently, because Eurovision was such a disaster last year, the BBC have now decided to splash out on a big event and phone-in occasion for the Song for Europe - or, as it is sometimes known, the Great British Song Contest. This is completely pointless of them, as every good soul knows that the only word that is vaguely correct there is "British". Contest? Hardly. Picking the best song from the selection is usually like apple-bobbing in diarrhoea and then being pleased that you got a Granny Smith instead of a Cox's Pippin. Great? See above. Song? That would just be stupid.

Why bother writing a song at all, really, when everyone knows that the two best songs of all time have already been written? We think it would be much more exciting to have the Great British Song Contest between songs that are actually great. To make things easier, we have narrowed down the competition to I'd Rather Jack by The Reynolds Girls and Independent Love Song by Scarlet.

So vote! Vote for your favourite in the comment box below, and then we'll know which girlie double-act produced the bestest song that ever there was. And tell them, if we can track them down through whichever homeless hostel they were last living in.

2004-01-05T16:03:00.000Z

The Great Chart Battle

Except it won't be, because the public are stupid and will all buy McManus's single and not the tasty (ho ho) offering from Kelis.

Michelle says: "Everyone looks better in black and white."

Kelis says: "Buy my single. It's better than yours."

But because we're so topical here at Offshoot, we've decided to and bang on about these two singles, both of which are out this week*. One is good. One is not. However, one does have a B-side written by Karen Poole, and it's not Kelis - which is a pity, as it would have been beyond if that had actually happened. And purely because of this, we're going to give each an equal share and write a reasoned response to it.

Actually, we're not. We're going to titter and laugh at Michelle. Look, she's dead fat! And look, despite the fact that Will Young and Gareth Gates got to keep their surnames when they became pop idols (well, when Will became one), Michelle has had her surname removed because it contains the word "anus" and that would just be too easy! Look, she's missing teeth and so they've had to take the picture at a clever angle! Tee hee!

*Except Amazon think it's not. This is further backed up by the inability to find the single cover anywhere on the internet for the picture above. Offshoot acquired a copy of the single though, from the Asda in Tilehurst. So get on down there and get shopping! Despite Asda being evil.

2003-12-29T10:22:00.000Z

OFFSHOOT: COULD TRY HARDER

Here at Offshoot we are currently having a bit of a clearout - well, we say clearout, we actually mean that we're going through all the crap in our room, finding CDs we'd forgotten we owned, then deciding we can't live without them. However, we have come across an old end-of-term report from when Offshoot was but a wee lad of 12. The teachers were really very, very odd...

English: He must get out of the habit of writing sentences without verbs in them; I'm all for colloquial English but, whether he likes it or not, he must conform over structure. (Huh. I never sentence without verb. Never.)

Science: In class he has been working reasonably but a little more enthusiasm and oral contribution is hope for. (I never did give him oral contribution - I always wondered why Mr Hare didn't like me.)

Latin: He is still rather unwilling to contribute orally, mainly, I think, because he is frightened of getting it wrong. (Why was this school not closed down? The teachers are far too obsessed with wee Offshoot giving them "oral".)

Games: [Offshoot] has coped well with some difficult situations had kept his head. Well done, [Offshoot]! (She didn't really write [Offshoot], I just thought it looked funny. NB: We were not doing anything head-losingly frightening, like guillotine studies.)

Music: He is generally making good progress. He must LISTEN MORE CAREFULLY, but his bowing arm and hand action are developing well. (Hand action, eh? Dear me. No wonder my parents made me move schools just a year later.)

So there we have it. Teachers are filthy, or just obsessed with putting posh ways of "speak" into school reports. Next term, I suggest they think before they put pen to paper and pay more attention in class. Thank you.

2003-12-24T14:03:00.000Z

A Ha! A Ha! A Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Until recently, here at Offshoot we had always thought that receiving other people's deadly-dull family newsletters was the high point of the Christmas season. Imagine our surprise, then, to find that Mr Offshoot Senior (i.e. my dad) had managed to top all these by making - wait for it - a personalised family Christmas card to send out. It is reproduced below, minus the abysmal "Merry Christmas to all Friends and Family!" message across the top.

That's Offshoot there, second from the right, looking like a retard and being eaten by a horse. Please don't ask.

2003-12-19T00:43:00.000Z

At last, a comic strip hero we can be proud of...

2003-12-17T01:47:00.000Z

Quite Clearly This Man Has Star Quality

Here's Pop Idol finalist Mark being hit over the head by a small child in a strange contraption. Let's face it, if small children in strange contraptions don't encourage you to vote for Mark, I don't know what will.

2003-12-13T23:14:00.000Z

And now for a word from our sponsor...

2003-12-10T19:44:00.000Z

Phew! Christmas is saved!

Isn't that the way? Just when you thought you were running low on money and you'd never find the perfect Christmas gifts for your loved ones, it turns out that the solution has been staring you in the face all along. Yes indeed, Fate has come along and delivered an almighty blessing:

That's right! It's Bizarre Fruit by M People! And Fopp in Leamington has a job lot of them on sale for £3 each! Now, what could be more heart-warming than the prospect of your friends and family waking up on Christmas day, shiny-eyed with anticipation, to find that you've got them such a beautiful, life-enriching present?

That's why I'm going to buy a ton of the fuckers and give them to my grandparents, parents, housemates and anyone else who I don't give a fuck about but feel obliged to buy things for.

+ =
Go on, buy a copy today and help pay Heather Small's mortgage!

2003-12-09T01:30:00.000Z

Hoorah!

People with taste can now breathe a huge sigh of relief, as these two fellas are back on our screens...

Yes! It's Steve and Sebastian from The High Life! They've given up their jobs as flight stewards and now present The Million Pound Property Challenge, having changed their names to Justin and Colin.

Disappointing to see that Sebastian's mammoth quiff has disappeared, but it's good to know that the intervening years haven't damaged their looks one scrap...

2003-12-04T16:19:00.000Z

Offshoot General Knowledge Quiz December 2003

Apparently, educational standards in Britain have slipped so drastically that the younger generation have no idea of anything - history, politics, how to put bits of fruit in jelly without it tasting foul. Some children still think that Winston Churchill led Blur to victory over Oasis in the great chart war of 1066! It's scandalous.

But do the kids of today still have something to teach us? Now's the time to find out. Using a succinct general knowledge test, Offshoot hopes to discover whether or not Generation XYZ (or whatever they're called) have anything to offer those of us born before 1987.

Question One: Which one is which in Mis-Teeq?

Mis-teeq: L-R - Possibly Alesha, Possibly Alesha, Possibly Alesha.

That's it. We really have no fucking idea who's who in this group, and if you can't tell us that, you have nothing to offer us, and should get back your colouring-in classes so you can get home in time for Tiny Planets.

2003-12-01T23:53:00.000Z

Hello.

Victoria Newton here*.

I'm the one who speaks in one-phrase paragraphs only.

And now time for this week's groundbreaking celeb goss:

Sophie Ellis-Bextor is pregnant.

I found this out when she called me up to tell me herself because I am the only important columnist in the world ever and I make all the scoops.

Will Young is at number one.

Nobody knew this until I revealed it today because I am the only person who finds out the charts and you all hang on my every word.

This is because I am the only important columnist in the world ever and I make all the scoops.

Some celebrities breathe oxygen.

I made this shocking discovery when I met some of my top showbiz mates at a top showbiz party like I always get invited to and asked them what they were doing.

They all told me that the were breathing a lot and sometimes drinking and a few of them were even eating every few days.

"We quite like to breathe," confided top celeb Louisa-Bradshaw White from Holby City. "It helps us to live."

She confided in me because I am the only important columnist in the world ever and I make all the scoops.

And also because I was the only person to ask such a dullard question.

More ground-breaking celeb goss with me Victoria Newton coming soon so watch this space.

*Disclaimer: Offshoot would like to point out that we have nothing to do with Victoria Newton, and she did not write this really. Because she would never be seen dead on a crappy interweb cyberhighnet site like this. After all, she is the only important columnist in the world ever and she makes all the scoops.

2003-11-28T16:41:00.000Z

Martine McCutcheon: Careers Guidance Counsellor

Hi kids, it's me, Martine McCutcheon! You may remember me from such hits as 'Perfect Moment' (it certainly was!), 'I've Got You' (I certainly did!) and 'I'm Over You' (I certainly was!). But today I'm here to share some of my hard-earned wisdom and respect about career prospects. Basically it all boils down to one thing: only do it if it feels right. I have had to do this several times in my career...

They tried to make me be a TV star - but the costumes were too hot!
They tried to make me a West End singer - but my larynx was too cold!
And then they made me a movie star opposite Hugh Grant - and the money was just right!

So, I think we've all learnt something valuable from this experience. Take my advice and you just can't fail! Until next time, see ya ladle!

Martine
xxxx

2003-11-27T02:55:00.000Z

Tennant & Lowe: Amateur Sleuths

Scene: Tennant & Lowe Private Detective Agency.Neil and Chris are having the usual, uneventful day:

Neil: So, Chris, what shall we do today?
Chris: Well, I was thinking we could sit around waiting for mysteries to fall into our lap, and then about 4 o'clock we could go to the chocolate machines and get an Aero bar to share for dinner.
Neil: That sounds like business as usual.

Suddenly in bursts a glamorous, mysterious woman.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Boys, I'm in such a pickle, I've started biting my nails! I have a case for you to solve! Someone has stolen with all my popularity and hits, and I don't know where they can have got to!
Neil: Hmm...a posh bird... who's classy...and is mysteriously popular. It can only be our old arch-enemy:

Sophie Ellis-Bextor: That's her! get her!

Neil: Chase her! Don't let her get away!
Chris: Damn. We were thwarted.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: What is it? What's happened?
Neil and Chris: It's our silly hats. We can't get out of the door of our office.

Sophie: Oh, you boys!

Hilarious canned laughter. Credits roll.

2003-11-23T20:37:00.000Z

I want to be a pikey and I want to get high...

Yes, new evidence has revealed that Shakespeare was something of a Kappa-lovin', multiple-girlfriend-'avin', benefit-cheatin' pikey. Look!:

Okay, maybe not. But how else is Shakespeare going to adapt and survive in the modern age? Like this...

Shakespeare for Pikeys

Now, as you all know, Shakespeare was a man with a very famous sister who had a hit single with Stay. Less well known is the fact that he wrote plays (what a waste of time; everybody just goes to the movies anyway) which sometimes slip onto the GCSE syllabus. Since we here at Offshoot have always (read: since this morning) been interested in helping the community and the educational environment of the country, we thought that we would help those studying his work. Gone are the old York Notes, in comes... Shakespeare for Pikeys! This series is aimed at girls who mousse their hair down and wear big hoop earrings, and boys who wear tracksuits with white stripes down their legs. No, not Meg and Jack.

This week it's GCSE stalwart Romeo and Juliet, starring Ben Affleck, Queen Latifah and directed by Martin Scorsese.

Romeo and Juliet

Scene one. Enter Ben Affleck as Romeo and Harvey Weinstein as His Dad.

Ben Affleck: Man, you know what, right? That Juliet, right, she well gives me the horn, innit.
Harvey Weinstein: No! I forbid you. She's too mainstream. How about Parker Posey or Jennifer Jason Leigh?

Enter Queen Latifah as Juliet and Denzel Washington as Juliet's Pop.

Queen Latifah: Yo yo yo! Shout to ma peeps down centre court! I well fancy that Romeo. He's fiiiine, you know whaddahm talking' 'bout! (She does the finger-clicky winking thing she does in every film ever.)
Denzel Washington: ('Street' mode, not Oscary mode) Girl, you's all about the Justins! They all middle-class white kids from the Upper East Side with houses in da Hamptons and friends with Joey and Dawson. And I hear he's a bender with Matt Damon as it is.

Enter Matt Damon as Mercutio.

Matt Damon: Actually I'm Mercutio, and I'd never make this shit. I'm only in proper break-out arty movies, don't you know. (He leaves to make a Farrelly Brothers movie.)

Ben Affleck: Latifah, Latifah, wherefore art thou, Latifah?
Laetitia Dean: I'm in the East End, pouring pints with my trotters.
Queen Latifah: He meant me, you dozy bitch. Now get out of it.
Laetitia Dean: I can't. It's in my contract.

Gigli is released.

Denzel Washington: (To Ben) You bastard! Look what you've done to the film industry! You are henceforth banished from Hollywood and LA, and must go to the London stage to get some credibility.
Ben Affleck: That's well meff, man! (He goes to be in This Is Our Youth like everyone else.)
Queen Latifah: Man, that shit is whack.. I'm off to hang out by McDonald's and drink one of their milkshakes.

She drinks the poison.

Queen Latifah: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Ben Affleck returns from the London stage.

Ben Affleck: Latifah, right, is that you? You's dead, innit!
Queen Latifah: Yeah, I'm well dead, me. (She does the finger-clicking-winking thing.)
Ben Affleck: Oh, I see. (He turns down another good movie script to work with Jennifer Lopez again.)
Queen Latifah: I was only faking, you twit.

Scary Movie 3 is released.

Queen Latifah: Goppin'!

She dies a box office death of her own. Enter Harvey Weinstein.

Harvey Weinstein: Let this be a lesson to all of you. Everyone should learn from this, or something. Now move these bodies out the way, I've got Chicago 2: Roxie Does Dallas to make!

2003-11-19T20:29:00.000Z

Offshoot Latest: Anchor Spreadable in "Not Spreadable" Shocker!

Finally, after months of hanging around outside the McVitie's factory, getting high off the fumes and chasing workers for inside exclusives, and going through the bins of Devon to find out how they make it so creamy, Offshoot finally has an exclusive news story. Yes, we are able to reveal that Anchor Spreadable is not actually spreadable! We spoke to Gossamer Windswept, 12, who made this amazing discovery.

Gossamer (above) says: It was a terrible shock. I had just sat down to spread some butter on my rich tea biscuit in between stitching time and saving nine, when I realised that the biscuit was crumbling in my hands - the so-called "spreadable" butter was just destroying the sturdy biscuit below!

And how do you feel about this, Gossamer?

Upset. My old pa was in the navy, so I've always liked anchors, but this has destroyed my faith in them. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at a tub of marge without the tears welling up.

And that's not all, is it, Gossie? (Can I call you Gossie?)

No. The butter was so tough it didn't just break the biscuit, it broke my knife. My trusty family heirloom butterknife, handed down to me by my Auntie Brindy...

We're not sure we believe you there, Ms Windswept.

Okay, it was a plastic picnic knife. But all the same...

So there you have it. Watch out for other Offshoot exclusives coming soon:

- Diet Coke not on a diet,
- Wagon Wheels not strong enough for wagons, and
- Eggs not eggs.

2003-11-16T12:21:00.000Z

A Christmas Story
And just in time for Christmas too...

It was Christmastime, and everyone everywhere was putting up their trees, buying presents, singing carols and making Christmas puddings (except Jehovah's Witnesses). As the snow was settling, a Christmas Fairy arrived to bring goodwill and cheer.

'Hello,' said the Christmas Fairy. 'Since you have all been good this year, I am going to grant you one wish.'

The people of Christmastown looked up at her. 'Hmm,' they thought, 'what would we really like?'

'A Party?'

'No!'

'World peace?'

'No!'

'I've got it!' said one of them.

He whispered his dearest desire into the fairy's ear.
'Mrrrfrrmfrrmfrm...'

'Very well,' she said, 'I shall grant you this wish.'

And thus it was that Topman, Boss, Envy and H&M all turned really pikey, and there were no good clothes to buy in there forever more.

Aaah, I do love a happy ending.

2003-11-16T12:12:00.000Z

What in hell's name is going on?

Something terribly mysterious has happened. Overnight, and without telling anyone, Kylie's Slow has somehow turned out to be fucking ace. Why was I not consulted about this last week, when I could have got a whole lot more mileage out of it? It's a mystery! And one only Harriet the Spy can solve...

Harriet says: Dance with me, slow.
We say: When you grow up into Dawn off Buffy, perhaps.

2003-11-13T01:50:00.000Z

I *heart* Kids' TV...

...and so should you. This is my article, but they've only gone and forgotten to put my name on it! Actually, I quite like being anonymous; it means I can lay claim to all anonymous publications. Like graffiti, and that playground song we used to do about the teacher's knickers exploding.

2003-11-12T01:02:00.000Z

I'm (having) trouble, yeah, trouble y'all

Hey y'all! I'm having trouble. My blog is being a bitch. If anyone else can make pictures work, knows the HTML codes for fonts and colours, or can find a better picture of a cake for my top image, please email me.

Proppa Offshoot coming soon, innit.

2003-11-10T10:52:00.000Z

Hello kids!

We're back, despite not having really gone away. Today we will be arguing the merits of Marxist theorist Karl Marx versus capitalism's running dog, Carrie Bradshaw off Sex and the City.

Question One: What's your philosophy in life?

Marx: To fight all you people who are buying things to sell them on and make a profit.
Carrie Bradshaw: Sex, shoes and shopping! All the s words! All at the same time!

Verdict: Sex, shoes and shopping may not be quite as worthy as fighting capitalsm, but they're a whole lot more fun! Carrie: 1pt.

Question Two: How do you like to spend your evenings?

Marx: I like to relax with a good puzzle - like whether or not a coat can exist independently of the 20 yards of linen in terms of exchange value.
Carrie Bradshaw: I like to go out, drink posh cocktails and cop off with the first man who'll take me by the scraggy grandma hand!

Verdict: Offshoot have always been fans of the old mind-bending puzzle, although we do prefer that one about two trains leaving Points A and B and all that - neither! They're both electric. Karl Marx: 1pt.

Question Three: What do you think of Robinson Crusoe?

Marx: Well, everything Robinson Crusoe made was for use-value, and not exchange-value. He was right ace.
Carrie Bradshaw: Listen, honey, I'm all for a trip to the beach, but if you expect me to live in a hut without a massage, and nothing to shave my legs with, you've got another thing coming! I'd have that Crusoe, though, all the same...

Verdict: Robinson Crusoe is just a silly story for children. It is nothing to build anti-capitalist theory around. Carrie Bradshaw: 1pt.

So, with 2 points to 1, it's Carrie Bradshaw! Capitalism wins! Three cheers for profit, commodity and exploiting the workers!

2003-11-08T21:19:00.000Z

Right, this is the second time I've tried to make a first post. If it all goes wrong, blame Blogspot. I hate Blogspot.

Hello, and welcome to Offshoot! We are the shrivelled little side-effect of the Warwick University New Writing Society (which can be found here) - the conjoined foetus thing to their Nurse Off South Park, if you will. In other news, we're Swithun and Kirsty, and we've only just got started, so cut us some slack on the whole "being rubbish" front, okay? God, some people...