Every week, ex-Britpop
superqueen Louise Wener
answers your problems.

Marjorie from Fluxton writes:
Dear Louise, My daughter and her
boyfriend have gone to college
but I can't remember what
they're studying. Do you
know?

Louise says:
"He's nothing special, she's not
too smart: he studies
fashion, she studies art."

More help coming soon!


Still sponsored by
Pendragon Enterprises


Whatever happened to
Shona Spurtle?

Student Loan Lost On:

Various gtickets
Pet Shop Boys
PopArt T-shirt
Ash: Meltdown
iPod
All the iPod cables
Glen David Gould: Carter
Beats the Devil

Bakewell tarts
Vanilla Diet Coke
A stupid dinner jacket
Train tickets to Oxford
Train tickets home
Fun Stamps





Sunday, June 20, 2004

My iPod Thinks It's Jesus

This is a rough approximation of what my iPod looks like:



Except a bit more modern, and never laid out artistically.

Here is a rough approximation of what my iPod thinks it looks like:



Hmm. My iPod recently decided that I had very bad taste in music and took offence to Kenickie, Ash and Vauxhall and I by Morrissey being uploaded onto it. Clearly the mid-nineties indieness of it all was too much to take. For three days, it refused to acknowledge that there was any Kenickie, Ash or Vauxhall and I on it (yet worse Morrissey albums were apparently allowed on). Then on the third day it rose again from its charger and decided that the music was on there after all.

So yesterday there were many strange looks from strangers as the sheer excitement of In Your Car, Girl from Mars and Now My Heart is Full all appearing in the palm-sized player led to much dancing to and from the bus stop.

I am dead normal, like.

Donated by Swiv at the hour of 11:27 AM

***


Monday, April 12, 2004

Offshoot says: Thank you, Record Shack Records

Cast your minds back to 1995, if you will. A young and impressionable Offshoot is the tender age of 11, turning to 12 at one point. Among all this, the OFFICIAL WORST YET BEST BAND EVER turn up, get their own words wrong on shows like Fully Booked before it was even presented by Lauren Off Neighbours, and have three singles - the rubbish Caught Up in my Heart, the faintly groovy but mostly rubbish Nothin' But Love (with a Motown spirit that took it all the way to number 38), and the completely brilliant, massively unrubbish Best Thing in the World.



This band are Optimystic and the image above is the only internet testament to their existence. Although they follow the crap-band tradition of spelling a word wrong and thinking it looks cool (Hear'Say, 2wenty4Se7en, Mis-Teeq etc), theirs is actually super-intellectual, on account of their outlook on their successful musical careers, and how bewildering it is that they should be so.

After flopping three times over with their singles, and after the Smash Hits Alphabet made sure O was for "Optimystic... Have the been dropped yet?" (cruel, too cruel, Mark Sutherland), they disappeared to work in Tesco and things. It was a sad day for crap pop.

UNTIL last year, when Offshoot somehow managed to come across a copy of their delightfully rubbish album. Evidently not everyone lost faith in them, and Record Shack Records (repetition in the company name - we like) all the way from 48th Street, Miami managed to cobble together three photos, some production credits and a bright pink CD to wow the world. Well, at least to way a couple of people who passed 48th Street, Miami. And us.

If you remember Optimystic and want to hear songs like The Drifter, Love's Gone Mad and We Are Optimystic, then drop us a line, or head on down to the Record Shack yourself.

Donated by Swiv at the hour of 12:59 PM

***


Saturday, March 27, 2004

Save the Escargot Cafe!



Above is an artist's impression of Hula going about an average day in her life. Don't worry, she and Rachel's head are not to scale. Clever people with internet connections will have already realised that we are talking about this very ace site here, which she writes, and has currently put it under threat of closure.

Here at Offshoot we are very upset. Hula's blog rules. It is miles better than this one, anyway, or this one, which we made one afternoon and then completely forgot about. Basically, The Escargot Cafe is one of the bestest sites in the world, and we don't want it to close. Her LiveJournal is simply not enough.

If you understand what we're harping on about, bombard Hula with emails and comments and stuff. or this comment box here, so we feel popular. her musings on Will and Maroon 5 and Harry Potter must never cease! Never!

Donated by Swiv at the hour of 2:18 PM

***


Friday, March 26, 2004

Madonna in 'Really Quite Popular' Shocker



Well, would you look at that. Some woman who has sold some albums and some singles and likes to kiss people half her age (of either sex) has decided to stand and sing in the middle of Earl's Court, and people want to go and see it! How queer.

But when we take into account that a) this woman is Madonna, b) this woman is Madonna and c) This woman recorded 'Take a Bow', which has some of the best backing vocals ever on it, it's not much of a surprise.

So why are you all whingeing that you can't get hold of her tickets? Stop this behaviour now. Of course you bloody can't. She's famous.


Madonna says: '£150 a ticket? Ooh, I can afford more jewellery and a better wig!'

In other news, when we tried to get some, we accidentally ended up with 2 order confirmation e-mails coming through, with different order confirmation codes. Does this mean we've got even more tickets than we originally intended?



Donated by Swiv at the hour of 10:55 AM

***


Wednesday, March 17, 2004

It's Award Season...



Hi kids, it's me, Sandy Toksvig! You might know me from shows such as Call My Bluff and the pop hit Toksvig - you know, "I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're Toksvig?" Anyway, I'm here to talk in a slightly scary voice and award The Annual Sandy Toksvig Awards For Excellent Achievements in the Field of Excellency 2004. These awards will go to the most excellent people who have achieved excellent things over the past year. Now on with the awards...

Award for Biggest Being a Flop Despite Being Ace

This little awarderoo was going to go to the lovely Siobhan Donaghy. Sadly I'm not sure how to pronounce her name, so instead I'm going to put it on my mantelpiece along with all my ceramic pots and lesbian photographs to honour her memory. Sorry Shuv...See-ob... oh whatever.

Award for Worst Album Cover Ever

Now, now, Britney - you might namecheck me in your number one hit 'Toksvig', but it hasn't made people buy your album, has it? No. Does this have anything to do with the fact that your album cover looks like you're submerged in a dolphin tank under an ailing UV light? I think so! To make up for your flopperoo album, here's an award to tide you over.

Award for Song That Is Ace Despite Not Being Allowed To Be

Look! It's Enrique Iglesias! He's all about the music. Now if you can get yourself around that abdomen (and I certainly can, being a lesbian) then you'll realise that this award goes to the man he-self for his single 'Not in Love'. Now everyone knows that Enrique is a load of old poo-poo, but this song is rather marvellous. Liking an Ingerglesiast song rather makes me want to nip down to the old shopperoo and buy some painkillers and a bottle of Glen's! Maybe the presence of the mighty Cheese Please Keliz makes up for it!

The Jamie Lee Curtis Memorial Award for Best Little Actress Lady

Now as you'll all know, I love the ladies! (I am a lesbian after all.) But most of all I love The Mighty Lindsay Lohan who will be projected onto big screeneroos all over the country when her film 'I Was a Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen's Dangerous Mind' (or something, I haven't got me specceroos on and I can't read the award envelope properly!) becomes an international global superhit. And she does some singings on the album! Now if there's only one thing I love more than a tweenie actress doing singings, it's a lesbian.

Here's Lindsay accepting her awarderoo from Jamie Lee...



Why, that scene-stealing witch! And she's taken Lindsay's guitar! I'd chase her out of here, except she's got short hair which reminds me of lesbians, so I won't. Eroo.


Sadly those are all the awards that Sandy has time for... but be sure to check back for when we next let her out of the Lesbian Cage-eroo to present some more strangely-named awards in her own inimitable style.

Donated by Swiv at the hour of 10:30 AM

***


Sunday, March 14, 2004

Phixx It!


Peter: Oh fuck, our career's gone to shit.
Andrew: Shut up and look more gay.

Quelle suprise, the charts suck again. As the Cha Cha Slide shimmies its way to the number one spot and sane people everywhere scream "take it back now, y'all" to those who bought the fucking single, the fantastically pointless Phixx find themselves languishing outside of the Top 10. Who is going to pay for the baby oil and arse waxing now, eh?

This shouldn't happen. Phixx are mighty for a variety of reasons. Firstly, because if they succeeded it would prove that marketing is everything. These are the people deemed Not Good Enough for One True Voice by the general public. Were they to succeed, it would be concrete that talent gets you nowhere, and it's all about miming badly to something you didn't have (much of) a hand in writing. This is what pop music should be - everyone "kept it real" in the 90s and all it got us was a bunch of skinny kids wrapping themselves in post-ironic Union Jacks. Who wants to go through that again?

Secondly, they are very desperate and very rubbish, and not afraid to do absolutely anything for the sake of publicity. Love Revolution is, quite simply, total bollocks. It has almost no tune, a chorus that tries to fit far too many long words into a short space, and sounds like it was produced by Bon Jovi after a heavy night of sex with Duran Duran. But the music doesn't matter - just get blood, neon and nudity into your video and you're away.


Mike says: My parents are proud of me.

So if everyone buys Heat magazine because of wannabe slebs looking shit and trying to get more success, they should support Phixx by proxy. And if people want to buy crap singles - and the appearance of the Cha Cha Slide at the summit would suggest they do - you couldn't get crapper than this. So fucking buy it, you twunts.


Nikk from Phixx - likes words to be spelt wrong with double letters at the end

Donated by Swiv at the hour of 12:58 PM

***


Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Oh for fuck's sake

We really, really, really can't be bothered to do our work. If anyone fancies entirely rewriting the next 2,500 words of our "personal writing project" (read: dissertation meets short story and has children which it immediately gives up for adoption to Warwick University, who readily accept and inflict upon hapless students), we'd be really grateful. In fact we'd be willing to trade your services for:



Some comedy lollipops! You'll laugh audibly at them.



Michelle from Pop Idol's missing tooth, and...



Natasha Bedingfield, whose infinitely forgettable debut single has already been forgotten about despite not being released yet.

Volunteers can apply in the comment box below, please.

Donated by Swiv at the hour of 12:28 AM

***


Offshoot
We're part of the Warwick University writing society, don't you know.
But not much.


We're new, so we ain't got none.


No, you bloody well can't, young man. Until we get a tag board. (How? We don't know.)


Visit these places, or I will kick your sorry ass.

BestWorst: Talks sense. Nearly.
Blame Mutya: She's like Hitler without the fan club.
Blame Pop: In case you tire of Mutya.
Bookgirl: Do not disturb! She's writing PopCo!
CFB Goes Pop!: For all your Debbie Gibson needs.
The Escargot Cafe: Loves Rachel. Hates the charts.
Jonny's Site: Now featuring FairyCakes.
Lowculture: Get fucked with Fuck Me Facts.
The Love Pavilion: The various merits of Posh.
New Writing Society: Where we come from.
Panda Pops: Benders, bitches, Bassingthwaightes.
PopFairyCakes: Broken. *sniff*
Popjustice: Where the happy people gather.
Talent in a Previous Life: Proud owner of a shoe.
Very Mild Peril: Proof that the BBFC know nothing.
We Hate the Sleepover Club: Find out why.
Zbornak: Mandatory Lansbury-love on entry.


blogger for engine.
blogskins for the skins.
serendipityq for layout.